We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.
One of the bloggers I follow regularly ran a post recently with a list of things PMS could stand for. Stupidly, I didn’t make a note of which blogger to give the credit to, so I apologize to whoever gave me the idea. I would credit you if I could.
Having made that half-baked attempt at attribution, let me proceed to give my take on a few of the ideas from that post.
PMS could stand for Pass My Shotgun. Actually, I’ve never been with a woman who was violent enough to use a shotgun. However, I’ve been with several who could make you wish they’d just use a shotgun and get it over with.
Psychotic Mood Shift. This one is a definite yes. When this happens, the best thing a husband or boyfriend can do is not have been there. Golf only take four hours or so, which is not nearly long enough. This must be why so many men love to fish. They can stay out an indefinite length of time and return after she’s over the symptoms.
Puffy Mid-Section. Hmmm. If I ever noticed this, I certainly wouldn’t notice it. I’m not saying whether I’ve seen such a phenomenon or not, but I wouldn’t notice it if I did. I’m smarter than that.
Provide Me Sweets. Well, maybe so, but be across the room and run fast to get out of there. (See fishing, above.)
Pardon My Sobbing. Okay, guys, here’s a real test. She DOES NOT want you to fix anything. Just hold her and pet her and say nothing at all. If she asks you a question, don’t answer. It’s a trick, and any answer you give is a reason to start a war. If holding her and petting her doesn’t work, see fishing advice.
Pissy Mood Syndrome. This is actually what the letters stand for. You guys know this is not really limited to the timing of her menstrual cycle. If you can appease her well enough to live that long, you’ll also discover that post-menopausal women can have PMS also.
Potential Murder Suspect. Although Pissy Mood Syndrome is the actual meaning of PMS, this captures the strongly possible result of it. We’re talking serious stuff here.
If you enjoy danger, go play with an anaconda or wrestle a crocodile or some such thing. Maybe attack an armed terrorist with a cap gun. Don’t challenge your woman when she’s exhibiting the signs of PMS. Go fishing instead.
David N. Walker is a Christian father and grandfather, a grounded pilot and a near-scratch golfer who had to give up the game because of shoulder problems. A graduate of Duke University, he spent 42 years as a health insurance agent. Most of that career was spent in Texas, but for a few years he traveled many other states. He started writing about 20 years ago, and has six unpublished novels to use as primers on how NOT to write fiction. He is currently putting the finishing touches on his non-fiction Web Wisdom: Godly Thoughts and Inspiration from the Inbox and starting his new fiction work—a series of novellas set during the period from 1860 to 1880.
Contact me at email@example.com or tweet me at @davidnwalkertx